Welcome to my blog – let me start by introducing myself. I am a fun, decent looking, single 39 year old girl. I am currently LIVING AT HOME and OUT OF WORK. Quite a catch.
YES it is as bad as it seems. I wanted to start a blog because my experiences have been so ridiculous I had to share them with people. I was told so many times by several family and friends to write a book, but I am a lazy slacker and blogging is so much less pressure and it’s immediate its right up my alley. I am new to this genre of writing so please bear with me!~
I am hoping to start my blog with my fairly pathetic tales of my dating life since it has been the subject of many MANY wine induced pseudo therapy sessions with my friends. We usually end up laughing so hard we pee our pants. It's that hilarious - my dating life.
As I build my blog I’ll branch off from my pathetic dating tales and talk about other subjects - for example living at home at 39 (40 in 10 weeks - kill me now), working as a personal trainer, job hunting in this economic slump - you get the picture…………..I’m going to see where it takes me and listen to any comments y’all might have for me…..I welcome any and all.
Dating (or whatever you would call it):
I had joined EHarmony 4 years ago, 2006, for a brief period. BRIEF. At the time I was in a very unpleasant living situation. My boyfriend at the time had officially broken up but I hadn't moved out yet (OY!) - it was living with silence and no eye contact. I am sure some of you can relate. Nothing worse than feeling so alone while LIVING with someone. But I was on a mission. I was NOT going to be alone for long………….joke was on me – and so it began……..
It began with a guy who had seen me online and contacted me – now on EHarmony you get matched by the almighty computer (UGH!), you do not pick your matches. This is how EH was when I used it in 2006. Haven't tried it since. And won't.
But this guy fast tracked me and started to IM me. I checked out his pix and said wow he’s cute. So we began to IM.
At first it was tame and then about 1 day in he starts with really nasty stuff, how hard to I like to be spanked, how red does my ass get…………….I am no prude but this was beyond inappropriate and quite frankly, gross
Not to mention the fact that these IM’s were coming to me as I was WORKING on my WORK computer, so I asked him to stop writing things like that and tried to change the subject. I asked about his kids and he tells me his Nanny gave him a blow job the other day, I asked about his job and he answers with another spanking question. He was OBVIOUSLY deranged. He kept at it even as I ignored him for days.
SO I told him that he was disgusting and asked him not to write to me again and blocked him from my yahoo.
A few weeks later he writes me through EHarmony. He apologizes and said lets just meet and talk. I do not want to go but I need the practice, so I reluctantly pick a bar where there is an easy jump to a cab and I am familiar with the area and the bar.
1. He is 30 minutes late and the jackass I am I waited - drank more
2. He shows up and is at least 45/50 pounds fatter than his picture
3. He must have had a SHIT sandwich for lunch because his breath was unbearably foul
4. He sits on the SAME side of the table as me – not across as “normal” folks would do but next to me with his shit breath
5. He is so touchy feeling I can’t even stand him and I just want to flee
6. I think he singed my eyebrows off with his shit breath as he spoke
7. He tells me the DETAILS of the blow job he received from his nanny.........
8. I'M DONE
Needless to say I fled and ran for a cab – he follows me and asks me if I’d like him to ride with me DOWNTOWN when he lives all the way uptown – I have to physically push him away from the cab as the cabbie is asking me if I need any assistance
I took a LONG LONG break from dating after that debacle having NO idea that would be the first of many……..
Having tried ALL the sites, Match, Chemistry, EHarmony with NO success I decided to place – what I thought – was a good ad on Craigslist for my local NY area. I was flooded with responses.
After weeding out the penis pictures and the married men looking for some side nookie and the CLEARLY undesirables - I narrowed it down to a few who I thought sounded half way “normal”. I think it was 3 out of 28164565686. So odds not quite in my favor.
My first attempt at dating after a long break was a guy who answered my ad and had some pretty good banter on email. I was like OK this could be a go.
I was in between jobs at the time so I said lets meet for lunch thinking short and sweet
We met at a bar near my apartment and from the start he seemed mellow and nice. We sat down and ordered our food. It was then the real Eeyore personality came out – I was trying to be a good date, TRYING not to talk too much (which I have a tendency to do a lot) - so I asked questions – what do you do? Etc.
Basically he was the MOST depressed and depressing person I have ever had to sit across the table from. He had NO job was trying to start a business but the funding just fell through, he was going through a divorce with a small child. He lived in a dark dank basement apartment at the moment cause funds were low. I seriously wanted to shoot myself in the foot just to have some sort of JOLT out of this "WOE IS ME: conversation. It was painful.
We finally wrap up this therapy session and part ways. He emails me and says I had a great time want to do it again…………..I wrote back
No
My second attempt at dating was shortly after Eeyore was with a guy whose picture was quite cute. I knew he was young but I said what the heck, half of the dates single women go on are practice dates anyway……….
In his picture he was sitting down so I never got a full view of the entire package aka his height.
I asked him to meet me at my apartment which I never do but was running late. I came out of my apt door to greet him as he was coming up the stairs and HOLY CRAP – he was a pseudo midget – crocodile arms and all………….WTF?
I do not have a poker face my chin MUST HAVE hit the floor – I am not a tall girl by any way shape or form but this dude was seriously height challenged. He came up to my BOOB.
I was at a loss of what to do my mind was racing…………..we went out to a local bar and sat at the bar and I tired to make the most of it – on top of the midget status he was also an Orthodox Jew. I am a not. If you are Orthodox you should be looking for someone within your own religion?
UGH………as we drink our beers he proceeds to tell me all his tales of woe about how his Father treats him like shit and how basically he is borderline abused.
Kill me now was running through my head
As if it could not get any worse as we said our good-byes he asks me to go out again - WHAT THE WHAT – he says I’d love to go out again, however, I can’t go out Friday nights or Saturdays.
All I could think was SHUT IT DOWN………………..
Obviously this date ended on the street corner of Hoboken NJ
My third attempt was a guy with removable teeth, was 45 and living with his Dad.………….that one didn’t work out.
Went on another mini hiatus
My fourth attempt was a set up from a broker I became friendly with through my job. She loved to set people up and I was THROUGH with the Internet sites so I said what the heck why not
So she sets me up with a very nice guy. He was not tall, he was bald and Hispanic. Not exactly my type but my type wasn't working for me so........
We agree to meet at a place right by my job. I always like to get to the bar early for 2 reasons, 1. So I don't have to look for him 2. To make sure we both have seats. NYC bars after work fill up fast.
So I arrive and I order my glass of wine. Looking forward to this date. It's been a while. The gent arrives and immediately tells me he was out LATE with clients the night before (3am) and that he had a HUGE client lunch (steak, potatoes) so he is extra extra tired. Not a great start but eh......
During the 25 minute date he is yawning and checking his watch. I had ONE glass of wine and called it a night. He seemed relieved.
My broker friend attempted a set up again for me. This time with a guy who was a former Hasidim. This was alarming to be but I was a trooper.
We meet at a very fancy place I had never been so I was excited........about the venue.........I had a friend come with me early (I'm always early) and she left as soon as he got there. Hence I had 2 glasses if wine while waiting.
He is about 5', very short appendages, and a thick accent I just can't always understand, He was very touchy and liked to hit me in the arm when making a point...........and he spit when he talked. As the date ended he gave me - what I guess he thought was - a kiss. Basically it was a cat tongue in my mouth....just laying in there............good lord on high........
ACES - Needless to say I didn't see him again..........and needless to say that was where I took another very long hiatus.
Bringing us to the present day.
I lost my job at a shitty hedge fund in NYC. It was a mutual departure. I was so fed up with the back stabbing and shitty treatment I had gone and gotten certified as a personal trainer and started training people after work. I loved it and things started to pick up so I made a life altering decision. I was going to quit my hellish nightmare job, move home, and try to start a Personal Training Business. If it didn't work out I'd simply get another office job and move back out. It seemed like THE answer........at the time.
It's been 6 months............I'm still at home, still training (barely), and STILL LOOKING FOR A JOB.
I have to admit I am being picky, trying to find the right FIT and the right industry. Trying to find something where I know I can succeed and grow. I do not want to repeat old mistakes of seeing $$$$ instead of the fact that the job will BLOW and the people suck.
Over the past 6 months I feel like I have learned some very valuable lessons.
1. I learned how to NOT waste money
2. I take working very seriously
3. I realize I am good at being a trainer regardless of the fact it isn't a lot of money
4. That living with my parents would make a hilarious sitcom but as I am living it - it's the FARTHEST this from funny............and
5. I NEED A JOB AND I NEED AN APT
Now I am VERY grateful for having a place to go and live while I am "finding myself". I know a lot of folks are stuck in a bad job and can't leave or are out of work and not making bills and do not have a place to go............I am truly grateful for that.
Next I tried a set up local to my hometown. Someone who had continuously asked my sister about me. She relented and gave him my number.
We decided to get together.........I waited for him to make a plan.........and waited and waited.........I had gotten Yankee tickets from my job - great seats - So I asked him to the game. He said great. He drove us to the stadium. I offered to pay for parking and being the non-gentleman he accepted my $20. We got into the stadium and he bought the first round of beers. He got us each a hot dog. After that it was ALL ME. So on this date, I made the plan, got the tickets, paid for parking and 2 rounds of beers. Hum............
He seemed nice and I thought maybe he's low on funds so OK I'm a modern woman I'll give him another go. We chatted on the phone a lot but he never made another plan. So one night my sister was having people over so I invited him. He knows my sister and brother-in-law. He shows up empty handed to a barbecue. Hum..........
Party ended and I'm fairly drunk - He asks me to come back to his house and that was a big NEGATIVE. He tries to kiss me........and all I felt was a thick, wet tongue just laying in my mouth. I was like "what do I do with this?".
That was the last time I saw that weirdo.
